TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY
by livetowrite4
Summary: 13 stories. 13 people. 13 reasons why Clare killed herself.
1. Chapter 1

**TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY**

* * *

**Summary: So I just read Thirteen Reasons Why and I thought it would be cool to do a Degrassi version of it. Please tell me if I should continue. The whole story is in Eli's POV.**

* * *

******Chapter 1: An Unforgettable Voice**

I looked out the window from my seat in The Dot. My eyes then stared at my cup of coffee. Just a day ago I was sitting right here, but that time I was horrified. I sipped my drink slowly. As I watched the people go by I saw a mailman go by. He probably had my package- scratch that- _Clare's_ package. I imagined the face the person would have when they first got the package. They might grin as they see a package labeled to themselves. Is it a gift from Grandma or is it a box of chocolate from a secret admirer? The thought that the package could be a bunch of tapes made by a dead girl never crossed their mind, but indeed that is what it was. I took one last sip of coffee put a dollar on the table for a tip and  
left.

**24 hours earlier**

I walked out of my house to see a small cream colored package slightly leaning against the door. I picked it up to see my name written neatly in the middle. The writing looked like Ms. Dawes. I wondered why Ms. Dawes would be giving me a package. I went to the kitchen to get the pair of scissors. I glided the sharp edge through the package. Inside was 7 tapes wrapped in bubble wrap. I looked at the tapes. All of them were numbered. The numbers looked like they were written in Clare's handwriting. I stared at the numbers. I hadn't seen Clare for a year. We went to the same school, but after we broke up I tried to stay away from her. The sight of her brought up remorse and regret. And in that year she died. I could feel my tears burning my eyes. I had always felt guilty for her death, and in my pain and guilt I didn't have the strength to go to her funeral. Me, her last boyfriend didn't go to her damn funeral. I was a coward and everyone knew it. No one said it to my face, but the whispers at school quickly traveled to me. I held up the tape etched with the number one. I went to my room which was back to the mess it was before Clare cleaned it up. I scavenged for my ancient tape player. I found it next to the headphones I lent to Clare. I didn't know if I should have put them on, but I didn't have another pair. I plugged the headphones into the cassette player and put in the tape. My hands hesitated as I reached for the play button. I had no clue what was on this tape, but I had to figure out.

**PLAY**

_Hello, Clare here. You might be wondering why and how I am acknowledging you while I am dead. Well I will explain. As you all know I killed myself two or three weeks ago. Depending on when you get these tapes. Most everyone who takes their own life have a reason for it, right? Well in this case, I had thirteen reasons and thirteen people to blame. Not all of you had as much impact, but you did. If you received this little package you are one of those people. Congratulations! You must have meant a great deal to me, or on the contrary, you must have done a great deal to me._

**ll**

My heart was racing.

Great, now I have to listen to her talk about how bad a person I was. I really didn't want to listen to her voice. Her sweet but melancholy voice brought up memories I really didn't want to remember. But I needed to listen because if I didn't I would feel guilty for not doing what she has told me to do.

**PLAY**

_Now don't run away and throw these tapes away. They will go public if you do, and I don't want that to happen. So just hang on tight while I tell my story. It's not as pretty as some may think._

The tape stopped.


	2. Chapter 2

**TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY**

* * *

**Chapter 2: Darcy**

I flipped the tape to number 2 and put it in.

**PLAY**

_So you have stayed to listen to my story. Sit down and grab a cup of coffee. You're going to have to sit for a while._

I had all the time in the world after Clare and I went our separate ways. I had no friends and...

_Okay, here it goes. Darcy, are you there? If you are, You're probably wondering how I got the tapes to you. It took me weeks, and yes I have been planning this for months, to figure out how to get this in one piece to Kenya, but then I thought even more. You would have to go to my funeral, so you would have to come home. Yes, Darcy, I laid that package under your pillow. You are one of the reasons I killed myself._

Darcy must have been her sister. I only knew her mom and dad.

_It all started when…actually it didn't really start I guess. It was just…was what it was. I was born "Darcy's little sister", nothing more. Even mom and dad see you as the pride and joy of the family. I am just the little sister who means nothing to anyone._

That's no true. Clare meant everything to me.

_Remember what you used to call me? "Goody Two Shoes". Yeah, Darcy, that label stayed with me for a while._

I wondered how she was before because she wasn't a goody two shoes to me.

_However you always seemed to get in trouble, Darcy: Spinner in your bedroom…predators. And do you know who always kept your little dirty secrets? Me, and you took me for granted. If I really was a goody two shoes I would told on you, but I didn't. And the next thingy you did is quite similar to my story. You tried to commit suicide. You failed, but the only reason you failed was because you didn't have a reason to die. On the contrary, I do. _

I couldn't believe she was saying she had a reason to die. I should have talked her out of it.


	3. Chapter 3

**TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY**

* * *

**Chapter 3: Alli**

I flipped through the remaining tapes to find number 3. I stared at it wondering if this was the tape about me. I put in the tape.

**PLAY**

_Who am I going to pick next? Who have I known for a long time and a long time I have been loyal to? Alli Bhandari. Yes, Alli, you were my best friend, but I was more of a friend than you were. Let me tell you my point of view. We were put into the gifted program and quickly we became friends. And with friendship comes influence. And you were a big influence to my later rebellion. I always saw you getting into trouble and trying so hard to get attention, but somehow I let that all slide. I never thought once that maybe our friendship wasn't as important to you. I also learned that you became jealous of me. How silly of you to be jealous of me when you're Alli Bhandari. But in the end, you were jealous just because of a little wardrobe change of mine. Then I thought it was just silly, but I realized that I was the ugly friend that made you look better. _

That was a lie. Clare was beautiful. I always didn't like Alli, but I never said anything to Clare because I thought that they were good friends. Little did I know that their friendship was held up by a string.

_That's not the only time your jealousy got in the way. Remember when Jenna was our friend? And before you were friends with her, you were jealous of her for being my friend. Again you were jealous that I had friends that weren't you. You wanted all of my attention, and Jenna was taking that away from you. I shouldn't blame you that much, in the end Jenna wasn't perfect either. Everyone has flaws, but everyone has strengths too. You did help me through breakups and you did help me when I got caught up in my own "fantasies". And talking about flaws, I had a few of my own. Remember that game of 7-minutes in heaven?_

I almost pressed pause because I didn't want to hear her past romances, but I just wanted to get it over with.

_Well after my sexual… actions, I was furious and embarrassed and you were with me. So, I released my anger on you. I really should be the one saying sorry for that one. After that I felt like a horrible friend, and I didn't deserve to be your friend. Those were the days when I let all your flaws flow away from my conscience. Sophomore year, we were friends, but not "besties" as we used to me. It so strange how one day you're "BFFL" and the next you're just plain old friends. You had your eyes on popularity and I had mine on a reason to live. In the end you found yours and for me, I thought I found it but later I lost it. Just like I lost my friendship with you. _


	4. Chapter 4

**TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Johnny**

_Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Now here is when you get in the picture. I must announce that you didn't do anything to me personally, but you did do something to Alli and my sister. You have heard from the last tape that our relationship was shaky, but there was a friendship. And within that friendship we kept secrets. We told each other our fears and our joys. You are definitely in the fear factor. Don't be frightened. You might have meant no harm, but what you did changed her reputation. Wait, let me just look at everything that happened._

There was a moment of silence while she reflected.

_Yeah, if you hadn't done what you did, I possibly wouldn't be sitting here recording this! Now you might be asking yourself "What did I do?" My answer is quite simple: sex. You had sex with my best friend and almost with my sister. That doesn't sound too bad, does it? Later on, I will not fear sex like I used to, but then I did._

I suspected that "not fearing sex" thing was about me.

_So first, you almost had sex with my sister, Darcy. Darcy was not in the best state of mind, and you knew that. You took advantage of her when she wasn't thinking straight. Darcy, are you there? Yep, I knew about what happened on the roof. Secrets are not forever. Now, let's talk about Alli. You were a senior, she was a freshmen. You should have known better. Again you took advantage of a girl, and this girl was my friend. Do you know what she said to me after you had sex? She said, "How can I share something so special with someone I can't even look at?" She was ashamed and scared. She felt regret which is not a good thing when you're giving up your virginity. And to top it all off, you lied to her. You said you lost your virginity to her too, but you didn't. You told her that you slept with several girls before her. Way to go, jackass._

I flinched when I heard her curse. She never cursed in front of me and I don't think she ever did before.

_Well, at least you told her the truth, but you told her too late. She already lost her virginity. You might think that virginity means nothing, but for some people, no, for girls virginity is innocence and purity. Taking that away from a girl is like taking away her youth. She was only fourteen and you should have known better. Wait, you're not off the hook. You not only took her virginity, but you told her that she might have an STD. That's real smooth. Maybe next time you get in bed with another girl, just tell her the truth right up front because holding it back just makes it worse. So how do I get in the picture? Well, I am not really in the picture, but I watched as the picture was taken. I watched you take advantage of girls and I couldn't do anything to stop it. You made me feel powerless and I just watched as you just added names to the list of girls you tainted. All I did was watch, and I'm sick of seeing people crumble around me. I'm sick of living in a life of just watching and no doing._

She almost started to yell at the end. I was confused and the tape stopped meaning I wasn't going to get an explaination.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reviewing! **


	5. Chapter 5

**TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY**

* * *

**Chapter 5: K.C.**

_Have you ever cheated before? While playing a game? On a test? How about on a person? In my case, I have cheated and I have been cheated on. Both sides are bad. Guiltiness is as bad as betrayal. I know a couple people that are good at cheating. But I know one guy who is great at cheating. K.C., you're up._

My heart slowed down. At least I wasn't the accused cheater.

_Remember that Sweetheart Dance? You and Connor got in a huge fight deciding who went with me. At first, I was just fed up with you guys being so childish, but then I changed my mind and picked you. Unfortunately, that made Connor upset. Connor asked me in front of a crowd, and how could I have said no. Everyone would have hated me. I reluctantly said yes. At the dance, Connor forced me to dance with him. It was horrible from my perspective. It was just not right, so I barged out of there and…and there you were, my knight in shining armor._

**ll**

I heard her laugh. I hadn't heard her laugh for over a year. My elbows were on my knees and my face was hiding in my hands. The tears went down my face. I just sat there in misery. I missed her so much. My stomach started to hurt with all the regret that I was feeling. I pulled my face from my hands and wiped my tears on my sleeve. I reached over to the cassette player with a trembling hand I searched for the right button, but my eyes were blurred with tears again.

**PLAY**

_We danced until Connor came in. Even though it was very brief, it didn't feel short. Only minutes before I was in complete misery, and then I was completely happy. But Connor was my friend, so I had to go after him. I was his date, so technically I did cheat with you, but it wasn't entirely your fault. It was mine too. I felt guilty for letting Connor down. Then I didn't feel as bad, but after what you did to me, I knew how he felt. I told you I wasn't ready for a relationship, and you said you were okay with it. One time we were fighting, I was for sure that the only reason we were becoming so distant was because we were afraid to kiss. You rejected me, and I just wanted to cry my eyes out. Somehow you got the courage to stop me and you told me I was right. Then in that moment of recovery you kissed me. My first kiss, not as I imagined, but still, it was my first kiss in my life; it was special for me. It's so funny that the lips of a boy and girl uniting can bring so much joy to one's heart. I felt completed. Maybe that's why everyone wants to be in love: to feel complete. For you, I don't know because in the end you didn't think we were meant to be like I did. I'm not going to tell the whole story about our relationship because it was a cliché honestly. In the end, you were in love with another girl. You broke my heart, so you could win the heart of Jenna's. You were the first guy to rip my heart into pieces, but you weren't the last._

My heart ached. I was the last person to break her heart.

_As Cat Steven said "the first cut is the deepest". Hey K.C., next time you're with a girl, keep your hands and eyes on your girlfriend because flirting with another doesn't end well. Trust me, I've been on both sides. Also, keep your eyes on your own test because you're not going to look at mine anymore. _

I was confused by the ending. She sounded sort of… happy. I guess she was happy to be settling of scores with her backstabbing ex-boyfriend. Now I was peeing in my pants (not really). I was her ex-boyfriend and I didn't want to hear all the terrible things she was going to bring up.

* * *

**A/N: I can't believe I cried writing this chapter! Anyways, thanks for reading and reviewing!**


	6. Chapter 6

**TH1RTEEN REASONS WHY**

* * *

**Chapter 6: Jenna**

_Oh Jenna, you probably thought that you would never have to hear me again, but here I am! I would love to see your mortified face when you found out what this was. _

I could hear that it was hard for her to say that without letting out a little giggle.

_Before I scare you even more, I will tell you why you are one of the reasons I chose to end my life. Even though I blamed K.C. a lot for his misconduct, you are not little miss perfect like everyone thinks. You are quite the opposite. I thought you were my friend, but instead you were just a boyfriend stealer. At first I thought of you as a good person just trying to make friends when really you were just trying to make K.C. fall in love with you. Well done! Has your backstabbing make your life better? I really don't even know if I can trust you with these tapes! However, you need to hear what I have to say, so I have to give you them even though I don't believe you will listen to them._

Obviously she did listen since the tapes got to me.

_I've never been sixteen and pregnant. I bet it's horrible. I wonder, is it as horrible as your so-called friend snatching your boyfriend from your hands? You really know how to put people down, Jenna. When K.C. went for you so easily it made me feel insecure and jealous. I had a right to be jealous because he was my boyfriend and you were taking him while he was already taken. And don't you dare call me over dramatic for being upset about this because when K.C. dumped me for you it really broke my heart. Oh yeah, that's right you haven't experienced heart break because you're the one always stealing hearts. Of course you don't have it easy. Sixteen, pregnant, and living with your brother. Not the best thing in the world. But at least you can say you have K.C….oh wait, he broke it off when you said you were keeping the baby. He still loves you though…from a distance. I see how he looks at you. Congratulations, He is in love with you. You won, Jenna Middleton, are you happy now? _

There was a long pause. I was about to turn it off, but I stopped my hand when I heard her voice again.

_Someday, you'll have to tell your baby how mommy and daddy met …make sure to include me in the story. Good luck._


	7. Chapter 7

**TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY**

* * *

**Chapter 7: Declan**

_Dreaming: A state of mind where your imagination goes wild. Crushing: When you like someone so much that they seem inaccessible. Declan, don't be on the edge of your seat anymore. You didn't do anything really. My foolish heart was to blame. However, my foolish heart had a crush on you._

She sounded so calm compared to the last five tapes.

_I really don't know why I fantasized about you. Maybe I was just caught in my romantic vampire books. I know this might creep you out, but you have to know so I don't feel so trapped inside my own mind. Sometimes when I was around you, my hands would shake and my heart was racing. Remember when I "found" you sweatshirt? Well, the truth is that I actually took it. I was stupid, I'll admit. I was scared to mess up or trip in front of you. And when I wasn't embarrassing myself in front of you, I was dreaming of you. I wanted you, but I couldn't have you and I knew that. I was silly and immature. I used my writing skills to write romantic tales of you and me. It's so embarrassing to look back on it now! I was a fool. I posted my stories online for the world to see. The world which includes Holly J and you. And after I kissed you, you figured it out. I blew it. Sometimes embarrassment can bring you down to a point where you realize that there is no reason to live. Your girlfriend told me not to worry and I reassured her I was alright, but really inside I was dying. You guys said that you would forget about it, but really it's impossible to actually forget it. Don't you remember what happened? If you still do then truly you didn't forget. And if you couldn't forget then I definitely wouldn't have forgot it. This memory of embarrassment stays with me forever and I don't think I can deal with it lingering on in my head…in my dreams._

* * *

**A/N: Sorry it's so short.**


	8. Chapter 8

**TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY**

* * *

**Chapter 8: Wesley**

_Dear Wesley, remember that night? I certainly do. I came up to you and started talking about chips. Kind of cheesy, eh? Oh come on, laugh, that was funny. Before we could finish our Pringles vs. Pretzels debate, Alli interrupted by announcing that we were all going to start playing seven minutes in heaven. _

Clare played seven minutes in heaven? She wasn't the angel that I thought she was.

_I really didn't want to play. Why would I kiss a total stranger? I kept on repeating in my head "don't call my name, don't call my name". Just my luck, I was the first she picked. I was for sure she did it on purpose. Then she said your name. You looked as shocked as I was. We were both horrified virgins not ready to be stuck in a closet for seven minutes alone. You said, "so, this is heaven?" trying to erase the awkward silence. I responded more pessimistically. Ironically you asked what my purity ring meant. When I told you I was allowed to kiss, you seemed surprised like you never kissed anyone in your life. Shortly after, we kissed. I don't know what you were thinking, but I was still Declan crazy, so I imagined you as him. I bit you just like I imagined in my vampire fantasies._

I laughed. I couldn't believe that she actually bit Wesley. Wesley, the boy who was hopeless when it came to girls.

_Again this memory deeply embarrasses me. I left you before the timer went off. I'm sorry Wesley, if I ruined your first kiss. You tried to build a relationship with me after, but I let you down. I feel so bad; you are such a nice guy and someday you will meet the right girl who won't take you for granted like I did. _

If only she was here. A week after she died, Wesley and Sadie started going out. Maybe if they went out earlier, Clare wouldn't have killed herself. Who was I kidding? Wesley getting a date wouldn't be the determining factor of her suicide.

_We have a couple embarrassing moments don't we? Don't worry, Wesley, I won't say it out loud for everyone to hear, but remember that I never…_

I waited for more, but the tape stopped. It just ended right in the middle of the sentence. Did she do it on purpose? Or did she just not get the word in before the tape stopped recording? I was confused once again. I rubbed my forehead. All this new information was going to my brain too fast. I really didn't know Clare as much as I thought.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry, this one is on the shorter side too.**


	9. Chapter 9

**TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY**

**Chapter 9: Drew**

I knew I was up next; I just knew it. I listened for my name as the tape started.

_Why does it seem that whatever happens to Alli affects me? I don't really know. Well whatever the reason, when Alli told me she had a crush on Drew, I just had to introduce them….It was more of a collision than an introduction really. Just one push of my hand and the two were in love. Well, so I thought. After that, Alli ignored me, but it wasn't bad because I was busy myself with my own love affairs._

That's where I came in.

_I have already told you that Alli and I weren't as good of friends as we used to be, but still her heartbreak, was my heartbreak. Although Alli was intending to become popular with her new boyfriend on her side, the more she was with him, the more and more her intentions disappeared. Popularity was disregarded. However, Drew did not have commitment in mind. His eyes sure wandered. And his eyes soon found the skankiest girl at school. Too tempting was it? Couldn't get your dirty little eye off her, could you? Well, you couldn't get your hands off of her too. What were you thinking? I think I know what you were thinking…"just one visit to the boiler room won't be too bad. Just on BJ won't mean a thing." You thought wrong. You trusted a girl to keep your dirty little secret. That just sounds stupid to me. And when your dirty little secret is not so little, you don't keep it with a girl that was willing to let you sin like that. The secret got to Alli. Didn't expect that to happen, did you, Drew? Again my friends heart was broken because of a careless teenage boy. So, how was it? It really must have been worth it because that blowjob was one of the reasons I'm killing myself. _

**A/N: I think I'm going to keep these kind of short…except for couple of them. I might make a soundtrack…tell me if you think it's a good idea. Thank you for reading ad reviewing.**


	10. Chapter 10

**TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY**

**Chapter 10: Bianca**

I had been through eight stories and I knew I had to becoming up soon with only five tapes left. I put in the ninth.

_Hello Bianca. I know we don't know each other that well… in fact, I have never talked to you in person! You bullied my friend, Adam, and you went to a concert with Eli once and got really drunk…_

I jumped as I heard my name.

…_and I remember hearing that you gave Drew a blowjob when he was dating Alli. The later is more important to me though. You have probably learned that I, for some reason, always am affected by Alli's problems. So when you got Drew to betray Alli, it hit me hard. Alli might not have been my best friend at the time, but seeing a boy break my friend's heart was really painful to watch. I have already said this, but I am going to remind you again. I hate watching things happen. I hate seeing people crumble around me. I feel weak and insignificant._

I always remembered her as strong. Listening to her talk so hopeless didn't help my already guilty heart.

_You ruined a person's life. How does that feel? Now, Drew is addicted to sex and drugs. He is tainted forever. His life will never be the same. He can't go to a good college because he messed up during high school. It's so insane that only a little substance and a little girl can ruin a man forever. You might frighten the whole school with your ego and attitude, but I can see right through you. You're just a little girl that inside is screaming on the top of your lungs for attention. You want people to notice you. You want people to care. I'm sorry, Bianca, but being sinful will not give you the attention you really want. It only makes you a burden to the ones you step on in your path. I made you this tape to set you on the right track. You seek for attention from guys; maybe you should gain some pride. Figure out that you don't need to get in trouble to earn respect. I hope you take my word seriously and you learn to love yourself._

I sat back in my chair. I closed my eyes. With only a few tapes left, I was soon to be mentioned.

**A/N: Sorry for updating so late! I am not going to make excuses, (like I was busy cause I'm always not busy), I just wasn't in the mood to write/writer's block. The next few chapters are going to be good! GET READY!**

** :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY

* * *

**

**A/N:** I haven't really done any review responses, but I think I am going to start now. Just a heads up, There are going to be 14 chapters.

* * *

**Review Response-**

**Bambam1470-** Sorry I haven't updated quite often as I used to. Hopefully I can get quite a lot of the writing done this weekend! (:

**Swanstream-** Yes it has, I'm very sorry for all the waiting I have made you suffer. I've noticed that you have reviewed on almost every chapter and I really do appreciate and admire your reviews. They bring a smile to my face! (:

**GiGGles67-** Thank you! If you thought that was a good chapter, I think you might like the ones coming up!

**EClarefan4ever-** Thanks!

**Peace and Purity-** Sorry for not updating. I have seen that you also review almost every single one of my chapters and I do greatly appreciate the feedback.

**Novelist N Training-** um…I am quite shocked that you are shocked that I got the idea from the book. I think you can tell from the title and the description that the main idea is from the book, but in the end, if you continue to read, you will realize that my story is pretty different from the book. I will say no more, I don't want to ruin the surprise!

**danielleSOLB-** I am very glad that you love it! (:

**CreateElements-** You will have to wait and see!

**Munrochambers4ever-** I am so sorry! I know, I have been very bad lately about updating and I feel really bad about it!

**xCuckooBananas-** Thank you!

**Rachel- **Your review really warmed my heart. It made me want to start updating this chapter actually! As to a response to your request, I am fairly certain you will not be disappointed in the outcome. P.S. I am not a big football fan, but I think I would probably choose Green bay Packers since it's Wisconsin and I like cheese and cheese comes from Wisconsin. (:

* * *

**Chapter 11: Ms. Dawes**

I jumped as my door opened. I forgot to put the lock on it. My mom's head peaked through.

"Hey, Dad's going to be working late, so I was just going to order some Chinese food. What do you want?" she asked.

"Um, I'll just go to the Dot," I answered.

"Okay, here's fifteen," she handed me the money and closed the door behind her. As she left I could see she had a smile on her face.

I grabbed my backpack and emptied my school work and put in the tapes. I walked out to my hearse. I haven't driven in my hearse for a while. I took the bus to school and I never went out. I shook my head realizing that I was just standing randomly in front of my house. I grabbed my keys from my pocket and entered my abandoned old car which was very cold inside. I shivered realizing that Clare was carried in a vehicle probably identical to this one. I shook my head again trying to get the frightful thoughts out of my head. If I ever was going to get through this, I had to stop making her haunt me like this. I had to finish the tapes, and then I have to send the tapes to the next person right away. I popped the next tape into the tape player in my car. I started the ignition and drove off with Clare's voice ringing in my ear.

_This tape might be the hardest for me to do because this person's actions were not intentionally to ruin my life, but started a relationship with another that will convince myself that my life is not worth being lived. Poor Ms. Dawes, I am sorry to drag you into this mess. You truly meant no harm by partnering me with Eli._

I stopped the car in the middle of the road. Was I really the huge reason why she killed herself? Was our partnership the beginning of the end of her life? Was I the cause of her death?

I heard the cars behind me honk as Morty stood still. I started to drive again and listened to my dead girlfriend explain why our poor English teacher was involved in her suicide.

_I went to you when I felt as though everyone else was too messed up to deal with my problems. You were my secret-keeper and my adviser. You always knew the right thing to say. I must thank you for keeping my emotional teenage problems between us. So I must bring up again that you ignited a spark which would blow up into greater proportion than anyone could imagine. _

I paused the tape as I parked in front of the Dot. I grabbed the tape and put it in my backpack. I entered the café seeing shocked faces around me. My peers hadn't seen me out of school all of senior year. I had my head down trying not to be the center of attention. I placed a five dollars on the counter and spoke, "one coffee please." I could hear whispers disperse across the room as I ordered my drink.

Peter looked at me, "here you go, have a nice day." He handed me the coffee and I sat in the table near the window.

I stirred my coffee slowly not wanting to hear what Clare was going to say next. I pressed play anyways.

_I am truly sorry, Ms. Dawes that I brought you into this mess. You really don't deserve it. But I must say you were right all along. How did you know that I would soon end up like Sylvia Plath?_

I sipped my coffee and stared out the window. I was destined to be next. I was the Ted Hughes to her Sylvia Plath.


	12. Chapter 12

**TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY**

* * *

**Chapter 12: Eli**

My hands quivered as I put in the next tape; this was the one, I could feel it. I pressed play and I waited for her voice to echo through my ears. My hands still trembled as I tried to drink one last sip of coffee before I was going to hear Clare bring me down.

_Although this is not the last reason, this is the last tape I am recording since it is the most important to me. My dearest Eli, you are one of the reasons I killed myself._

My coffee slammed onto the counter as she was directly speaking to me this time. I stared blankly out the window. I had come to the point in this horrifying journey that I was scared of the most.

_You were a rebel. I was an innocent christian girl. Opposites attract, right? At first that's what I thought, but sometimes opposites just end up going the opposite way. We grew apart, Eli, and your attachment to me blinded you from the truth. Our relationship wasn't perfect no matter how much we wanted it to be. I loved you, I really did and I still do! But your possessiveness got in the way. You treated me like an object. I was your little doll that couldn't be played with. You didn't share me with anyone. I felt like I was stuck in a bottle and my only way out was to end our relationship. I was sick of being controlled and owned. I wanted to be free. I thought breaking up with you would free me from my misery. At first I felt like I could breathe easier. I could do whatever I wanted, but that soon ended. I wanted you back, but I knew you wouldn't take me. I wasn't the perfect and pristine toy I was before._

That was a lie. I always wanted her. I still want her now.

_I realized that if I couldn't have you back, then I shouldn't live at all. Why should I go on if I have nothing to live for? I always wanted us to be together, but we could never be as one. We would always have our problems and we would always want more. You might think to yourself that what I'm saying isn't true, but look ten years from now if we were still together… three or four kids? Stressed and stuck in the hectic lives of parenting? Stuck with someone who loves you but hurts you at the same time? You see. We could never survive each other. Neither of us were Juliet nor Romeo. We were both poisoning each other._

I could feel tears burning my eyes like poison.

_Eli you are the main reason I killed myself. _

_It's truly my love for you that killed me._

_I love you and always will._

_I say goodbye to all of you know._

The tape ended. I took the tape out and put my lips against it. I cried. I didn't care if the café was full of people. I had killed my girlfriend…again.

* * *

**A/N:** **I hope you liked this chapter. It made me cry writing it! Sorry if it did the same to you. **

**It's been a while since I've updated. I'm really sorry.**

**The Truth: I've written about 3 drafts of this and I didn't know how I should have had this story end out. I thought this was the best way, tell me please if you think differently.**

**About the reviews: I've seen that I haven't had as many reviews as I used to and I wanted to know if this story isn't as good as it used to be. I'm fine with no reviews; I was just wondering if my writing has regressed.**

**PS: this is not the last chapter!**

**two more to go!**

**plus soundtrack!**


	13. Chapter 13

**TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY

* * *

**

**Chapter 13: Fitz**

I got up from my seat. I tried to avert my eyes from everyone else, but I could still feel the stares. I could hear the whispers. I took my stuff and went to my car, and sat there. I started the tape. I needed to finish this. I didn't want to, but it was the only thing I could do.

_Here you go, Fitz. Here's your chance to feel guilty. You are a reason why I make these tapes. You are a reason Eli and I grew so far apart. You are the reason Eli became so protective of me. Fitz, we had no connection. You can believe we had a religious connection, but in reality, I wasn't truly faithful at all. A month earlier I was ready to give up all my morals up for Eli! Why did you ever think religion would make me fall for you? I didn't care about religion. Only you would be blind enough to miss that. Eli was my everything and your new 'finding' wouldn't change that. When Eli saw you so motivated to win me, he started acting differently. He started questioning me and uncertain about my faith in him. I always had to reassure him I wouldn't leave him. I had to be with him at all times. That's why I broke our relationship. Because of what you made him: paranoid and obsessed. Soon after I broke up with him, you tried even harder to get me. I soon realized I wanted Eli again, but he was already out of reach. He would have never wanted me back after I betrayed him. _

I smashed my hands onto the dash. She thought I wouldn't want her back, but I wanted her. I should have told her. I should have fought back when she said we were over.

_So Fitz, I hope you learn a lesson from this. I hope you learn that finding Jesus is not going to solve all your problems. Sometimes to make things better, like in my case, you have to find a way out._

I felt like blaming this all on Fitz, but as she said in the last tape that I was the reason.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading and thank you for all the reviews! I really do appreciate all the support!**

**ONE MORE CHAPTER! I'm really excited to write it! (:**

**and don't forget the soundtrack!**


	14. Chapter 14

**TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY

* * *

**

**Chapter 14: Only Myself Left To Blame**

I put in the last tape. The last time I would ever hear her voice again.

_This is the last tape you will listen to…wondering whose left? Who gets the honor of being the tape? Well, you might be intrigued by my answer. The last person to handle my tapes is Father Gregg. He is not a reason, but the last person to get them because the reason can't bury them herself. _

_Yes, it's true. I am the final reason why I am killing myself. Sounds crazy, right? After all the people I have blamed for my pain and misery, I blame myself the most. That's why I am leaving this world. If it wasn't for me, I wouldn't be here. It's as simple as that. _

_So Fitz, you must give these tapes to Father Gregg. He knows what to do with them. He already had to listen to me tell my whole story during confession._

_I say my farewells now. _

_Don't let these tapes be a burden, but a lesson that everything you do changes someone's life. _

_After all that you have done to me, can I ask for one more favor? Move on. Live on. Carry on. _

_Don't hang onto to these tapes, there's more to live for._

_And to Eli, I know my death will hit you the hardest. I beg you to move on. I'm not worth living a life of misery for. You can make it through. I believe in you._

_With my wasting heart and last breathes,_

_Clare

* * *

_

**A/N: That's it. No more tapes. No sequel.**


	15. The Soundtrack

**TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY: **The Soundtrack

* * *

**1. Chasing Pavements **_**-**__Adele_

**2. Time of Your Life **_**-**__Green Day_

**3. Know Your Enemy **_**-**__Green Day_

**4. Womanizer **_**-**__Lily Allen_

**5. Hate** _-Plain White T's_

**6. Gives You Hell **_**-**__All American Rejects_

**7. When You Were Young** _-The Killers_

**8. Apologize** _-One Republic_

**9. I Write Sins Not Tragedies** _-Panic! At the Disco_

**10. Damned If I Do Ya ** _-All Time Low_

**11. Let It Be **_– The Beatles_

**12. I Don't Love You** _-My Chemical Romance_

**13. Playing God **_**-**__Paramore_

**14. Helena **_**-**__My Chemical Romance_

* * *

_I do not own any of these songs. Point of view of songs vary._


End file.
